BLOG #2, 6 February 2024
The Break-up
Where to start on our breakup? Being straight to the point, it was December 2023, when I told Jessica that I truly wanted a break-up. The build-up though, started since a surprise visit Jessica paid me in November of 2022. If you recall from the first blog, Jessica moved to Kentucky August of 2022. I remained in North Carolina. One day in November, Jessica decided to pay me a surprise visit. The surprise visit happened to be around 4am on a Saturday. I was passed out on the couch watching YouTube on our T.V. She woke me up with my phone in her hand and told me who are all these women I was texting back and forth with. Many wasn’t by phone number, but more on social apps such as Tinder and KIK and some phone texts here and there. That was my game, I would match with girls on Tinder and then graduate to texting. I did go on a dinner date with a girl who strictly told me she wanted nothing but a friendship with me. If that is the case, why would I still even text her. My “dog” instincts were thinking that she may change her mind. Before she even had the opportunity to change her mind, Jessica was already questioning me on why I was even texting her. That morning, Jessica broke-up with me and I begged for her to take me back. Like clockwork, she did. That was mean of me to do that to her. I should have given it time and see what would have happened. Instead, I played with her heartstrings one more time.
From November of 2022 to October of 2023, I was being relatively good. We agreed that Jessica would have my phone password and GPS location. We decided to start watching Netflix shows together while nine hours away. What did this mean? It meant after work or on our free time, we would press play on a show simultaneously and start the episode. We would immediately call each other afterwards and talk about it. Life was not easy at this point in time. I was traveling to Kentucky twice a month for only a weekend at a time. I was in the middle of the military asking me to retire or be involuntarily separated. It was a nice way for the Army to say, you did your time, but you have to go. On top of that I was dealing with the stress of not having a purpose in life. I had no job, and my career was coming to an end. Around July, I started going to classes that the military provides for those Soldiers transitioning from military life to the real world. The reality was really sinking in, and I had not a clue what I was going to do for employment post military. Jessica and I started arguing more, by this time it has been ten months living long distance. She was upset that I was not in Kentucky, and I would blame the military for not sending me there. To top it off, I was still legally married to my ex-wife. We were legally separated, but my ex-wife would refuse to sign the paperwork until I paid her a visit in Germany end of July 2023. Those two years 2022 and 2023 were not easy! Looking back, wow it was a mess. Thanksgiving of 2023, Jessica and I decided to go on a 4-day Thanksgiving cruise to the Bahamas. This was our final vacation together. As far as vacations go, Jessica and I did travel quite a bit. We been to Romania, Spain, Disney, Vegas, Florida, and Michigan together. Also, you have to remember we were locked up for COVID, so we had trips planned, but could not make it. Back to our Thanksgiving cruise to the Bahamas. To me, this was an awesome vacation. It was a cool little 4-day. We spent all our time together and life was fantastic! If you know Jessica and I, there was a catch! While I went to play some poker at the casino in the ship, I left my phone in the room. Remember, Jessica had my password. You guessed it, AGAIN she saw text messages. The text message had my North Carolina address sent to one girl. Jessica did not tell me she had gone through my phone. I did not know of this until a phone call two weeks later when she asked me to come clean. I denied it at first, but she then told me she knew because I gave my home address to someone. This was strike number three! By this point, Jessica had forgiven me two other major times. Lots of foul balls, but three strikes!
I went to Kentucky for Christmas of 2023 without the intention of getting back together. My intention was to be there for Jessica and her kids. I was already feeling bad for what I did, but I told myself to act like it did not phase me. I acted like it did not phase me, but Jessica and I had a great time this past Christmas. We argued less and had a great time spending time together. I enjoyed my last Christmas. It was great! I felt as if we were not really going to break up. I felt as if I wanted to be a family man and it is only three months away (due to me retiring in March). I really enjoyed it. Our cruise and Christmas were memorable, and I wanted to be Jessica’s husband. The day after Christmas, I had to return to North Carolina. Jessica asked me one last time, “Are you sure you want this break-up?” I responded with “Yes, I think it is for the best.”
Jessica started going on dates with other men. I was upset, but I was not thinking anything will ever develop between her and another man. I believed she wanted me and only me. We maintained phone conversations and kept texting. I knew of her whereabouts, and she knew of mine. I started noticing her liking one particular guy more than the other. She would talk highly of him and seemed interested. Giving me clues of how mysterious this man is, and we all love mystery. She had told me he was willing to help her due some home projects, something I was never good at. She also said that she was going to accept his offer on helping her out. The morning of February 3rd, 2024, Jessica told me she was exclusively seeing this man. My heart shattered, it felt heavy, my chest was burning, I was shaking, I was mad, I was sad, I was stressed, I was not focused all of Saturday. I have never felt such mix emotions in my entire life!
That is all for today, tomorrow I would like to discuss how I felt that Saturday morning and Sunday.
This writing is therapeutic to a certain extent. From the outside looking in, our relationship was never meant to last. It had disaster written all over it. As a poker player this was like a 7,2 hand. This is the worse hand in poker. I was dealt a 7,2 and played up to the river. I ran three streaks of bluff and got called on the river with my pants down.
What are your thoughts? Do you think this relationship is repairable? I am absolutely in love with Jessica and in my heart always wanted to be with her and knew it would just happen, but I played the tough guy role. When I texted others and slept with the one girl, I did not enjoy it. I finished it felt guilty as F! I was guilty as F! I still loved Jessica and only wanted her. I mean do you think it is repairable? Should I not even think of Jessica and dedicated on becoming a better man to the next woman I meet? Is it fair that the next woman I meet will have the best version of me, while Jessica did not? Have you ever been in a similar situation? What did you do and how did you cope with it?