Hell Week
Good evening from North Carolina. It is Friday, and time has been painful. If you have gotten this far, you are aware of the reason Jessica, and I broke up. Reading the blogs, it was meant to fail. Also, some may be thinking who will forgive a cheater? Another group of people may be thinking I will not change, because I cheated on her before with the girl from Belgium. Some men, and maybe women, understand that it was just sex, and it does not mean that I did not love Jessica. As ironic as it sounds, many men think that we can sleep around, because no emotions are attached to the other person. This may be 100% true, but at the end of the day, you are disrespecting and not valuing the person you said you would be committed to. That is the injustice, unfairness and overall selfishness of those actions.
On Monday, after I texted, called, made a therapy appointment, and vented I necessarily did not feel any better. I did feel relieved and occasionally better following the venting session, but minutes later it will just come back. Tuesday, I had my first therapy session. Mind you, I never been to one before and I was one of those that do not believe in them. Just a personal thing, I am sure many of you can relate. When I walked into the therapist office, he did have an approachable persona. He was about 5’8 African American man, medium built, but looked healthy, wore glasses, has shorter hair and spoke well. I sat on the chair, and he asked me “what brings you here?” I told him I just got out of a five-year relationship with my girlfriend, and it was my fault. He just made a comment as in, do not blame yourself, without knowing the whole situation. My mental state felt as in, why am I here? You ever been to the Doctors office and all of a sudden, your symptoms are gone, but the minute you leave they come right back? That is how I felt at first, but he then took the lead and started getting background information on me. Where was I born, how many years of service I have, what is my profession, am I suicidal, etc. The one typical stereotype he met, was being the textbook therapist. He spoke a bit robotic, very mellow, no real emotions. He did make me realize that I have been feeling down and depressed without a sense of purpose when I realized that I was no longer going to be in the Army. Peeling back the onion, when I found out I had to retire, all motivation went down the drain. I still cannot believe that in the next 45 days, I will no longer be wearing a uniform. Before, I had a place to go (Kentucky), now I am starting from scratch, and I have to make things happen in the next 45 days. On top of that, the girl of my dreams is already dating! So much poop is piled up in my plate, and I have to close my eyes and bite down, life sucks! After I left his office, I did feel better. I felt as in I have to get started. Get started on what you may be thinking, I still do not know the answer, but I have gotten started. I went an ran some errands for my medical. I played soccer. I told myself to clean my military equipment that I have to turn in before I retire. I am partially doing that this weekend. I got off my butt, and went to dinner with an old friend, who sat there and listed to my sad story. I went to an indoor soccer game by myself. I built a valentine care package for Jessica. Yes, I built a valentine day package for her. I told myself this is my closure moment. After this, I will make minimal contact if that with her. I am not at peace, but I have accepted our relationship is dead. Jessica once said she has to treat it as it is dead, and she was right. My week was not fun at all, I did stay busy and that is what kept me sane, but overall, it was really unhealthy. I have a ring cam installed in our house in Kentucky, and I see her boyfriend come in and out the house with her all the time. They are really comfortable with each other. It made me wonder if this has been going on for more than just 30-days. I mean who meets someone and in thirty days, they are around her kids in her house? I just find that strange. Well, back to the ring cam. Everyone is telling me to delete it. I absolutely agree, 100% agree, but it is just so hard! You will only understand if you were in that position before. Tomorrow, I am waking up and deleting the ring app. I do not know how my weekend is going to go, and what next week may hold for me, but I am going to make it! I am going to be okay! I will wake up in the morning and give myself words of affirmation. I am going to tackle it moving forward and knock it the F*@! down. I am also going to be a better person. I am determined to not meet women for just sex. I am determined to take the slow approach and let chemistry do its course. I am determined to make decisions that are best for me while I am single. I am determined to see my kids more than once a year. I am also determined to fill out applications for Germany so I can be closer to them. I am treating moving forward like a job, and I always been a hard worker. To a better me and an unknown future! So, I just got off the phone with Jessica, man my heart is racing like I am having a panic attack. I told her goodbye. I am going to try and mean it. I am hurting! FFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I will be writing on Monday, I will need to start writing less and less, unless you just want to know how my day went?