Heart Shattering!
Good evening to those reading this. By this time, you may be thinking my love story is a soap opera. You also may be thinking, “dude, you should be single!” As I go back and read my story of Jessica and I, I also think very much the same. Part of me is saying you acted like a single person the whole time! That is absolutely 100% true! I acted single, but always told those women I was flirting with about Jessica. They all knew it was not going to lead anywhere. Still acted single though, because Jessica was completely unaware of the number of women I was flirting with. Deep down inside, I always wanted Jessica and I only saw my life with her. When I pictured my life 5,10, 40 years from now, I saw myself with Jessica in a nice decent house with a pool and just being at peace. I never once did not love her, and I never once wanted to break up. In my heart of all hearts, my life was devoted to Jessica. Super complicated, I know!
So back to Saturday, February 3rd. It was early, a little after 7am. I am the type of person that can sleep in, but I could not sleep Friday evening going into Saturday. I knew that Jessica was with the mysterious guy. For the purpose of this story, he will be named John. I knew that Jessica was with John, because she had told me they went to pick up some paint at Home Depot so they can paint a bedroom of our house on Saturday. That morning, I called Jessica, and she was on her way to meet John at Home Depot as they forgot some supplies the day before. As I was talking to Jessica, she stated that her and John were seeing each other exclusively. What does this mean in the current dating world? In my opinion, this means you are boyfriend and girlfriend. She said they were not official; I still do not understand. As we were talking on the phone, my entire body was shaking, more notably my chest. As I am typing this, my chest is pounding. We spoke for 10 minutes, before she had to hang up, because she was at Home Depot. After our conversation ended, I let a big “FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!” That was not enough. That day, nothing was enough. Imagine every single emotion that you can think of, mix it in a bag and slam it against the floor. That is how I was feeling. I did not know what to do. The most significant and impactful words I can say are sad and mad! I was sad, like taking your four-year-old favorite barbie and saying she is never to play with it again. I just could not concentrate, my heart was pounding as it was coming out of my chest, my lungs felt as they were burning, my body was shaking, and I felt like I was all alone in a downpour with cold temperatures. I felt miserable! It is a two-way feeling. I was thinking of how hurt I was and only imagining this is exactly the pain I caused to Jessica throughout our five-year relationship. Wow, what a horrible, but I mean horrible feeling. It is the un-coolest feeling in the world. Only other time I have felt such pain, was when I was seeing my father being buried at his funeral. It was exactly the same pain. I told myself right there and then that I will never, I mean ever, intentionally make someone feel that way. I myself, never want to feel that way. The whole Saturday, I can only imagine another man painting the room that was once my kid’s room. I imagine a happy go lucky couple smiling, throwing paint at each other, and a man genuinely doing something nice for Jessica. I knew she was happy; I knew that is what she wanted in a man, I knew she needed someone to just help her out when she needed, I knew she was tired of working so hard and having to then take care of me and her boys, I knew that this man was good for doing what he did. Gosh, my mind started racing in every direction. I still do not even know how I made it through Saturday, and to top it off, I do not know how I am able to write about it! I write because it releases some pain, but it also brings back pain. The writing also lets me see from an outside perspective. When I go back and read what I wrote, I just question how is she still with me? I really do ask that question. I also tell myself, we made it this far, why not wait another two months where so many factors that caused us to be toxic will be going away? I also tell myself I needed this to happen in order to treat Jessica right from here on out if she decides to take me back, or she taught me such a valuable lesson that the next woman in my life will get the full better version of me. I call this man Jose 2.0! Back to Saturday. The whole day I was feeling sorry for myself. I started with a journal/diary. I needed to stay busy. I figured, let me try writing something. I wrote a total of 5 pages front and back on how I was feeling. I wrote on my thoughts. I wrote on how hurt I was. I wrote on what made me become this way, when growing up I never wanted to be like this. I just wrote and wrote. I wrote for about an hour, then was a little upset because John came up. I stopped for an hour, then wrote again for another hour. I stopped, because I ended up going to the gym and running some errands. When I returned, I wrote even more. Jessica not once wrote me, because she was busy painting a bedroom with John. In the evening, I went out to drink my problems away. Jessica called me after I returned from the bar, and we spoke for about two hours. It ended up with her threatening me to get lawyers if I wanted to split the properties 50/50 within the next 6-12 months. Sunday was no better; I spoke with friends and family. I also decided that I will go to the clinic on Monday and sign myself to see a therapist. I then decided that in order to heal or move forward I needed to get rid of everything in the past. I decided that in the next days, I would text the women I was flirting with and tell them sorry for using them, because my intentions were never good. I think doing this will make me a better person going forward. I see it as “confession.” I grew up Catholic, though I am not a practicing Catholic, because of certain experiences. I do feel I needed to confess. I could not do this all of Sunday, because I was nourishing a hangover and could not concentrate, because those emotions from Saturday never left. Also, not to mention all of Saturday, I did not eat an ounce of solid food.
I will leave it here for now. Tomorrow I would like to discuss my “confession.” I needed to confess to everyone I felt I lied to. I confessed to Jessica’s family, to previous women I hurt, and went to the clinic to schedule an appointment with a therapist.
What are your thoughts? I know I deserved it! No question asked, but feel free to comment. Do you think she got exclusive way too fast? Does exclusive mean official? Would you have let someone come around your kids who you genuinely believe is a good person in less than 30 days of knowing that person? Have you ever felt this pain? How would you describe it? Should I have gone to drink? What is a piece of advise you would give to someone in my shoes?
To next time!