8 February 2024
Confessions & Self Reflection
On Sunday, though nourishing a hangover I was feeling sorry for myself lying in bed. I mean to this day, I am still feeling sorry for myself, and the hurt has not changed at all. I am accepting reality a little better, but the pain, hurt, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, frustration, shaking, and regrets remain the same. I am still in shock how Jessica was able to move forward so fast and feel so comfortable with another man. I am still in disbelief, how she can get over our relationship so quickly. I mean, can I blame her? At the end of the day, I caused her pain and emptiness. After I ate some Taco Bell on Sunday, I did feel a little better and was able to start making my own plan on how I would like to move forward. I decided, I cannot do this alone. I need help and support. Moving forward meant involving others. I felt as if I need to change, I need to apologize to those I did wrong. Secondly, I need to seek professional help and give it a shot. These professionals get paid to help others, I figured they should earn their paycheck. Third, I need to vent. Venting to me means talking to myself out loud and internally. Venting also meant, I need to tell my story (hence this blog) to people I trust and who will give me the best advice, but still be there for me. Lastly, not the best option but I need to stay occupied. Occupy means pick up a hobby, for me it is soccer or go on legit dates where I am not seeing a woman for the thrill of the hunt. Sunday, I spent all day continuing to feel pain and making a plan.
Monday morning immediately after waking up, I texted Jessica’s father, mother and sister. I texted them apologizing for Jessica’s and our break-up. I basically stated, sorry it did not work out and that I truly cared for them and enjoyed their company when they were around. Jessica’s family has always been extremely supportive towards me and cared for me as their own. Her mom, which I learned the phrase “bonus family and bonus grandkids,” was so kind in her text and told me she loved me and if I need anything to reach out. Her sister, who knew she was dating again, was very kind and wished me the best. She was very mature, understanding and basically said “life be lifing.” Jessica’s father, reached out to me via phone and we had a good hour conversation. I told him I stepped outside the relationship, and hope that no man will ever do such things to my daughter. Our conversation started with that but ended as if nothing ever happened. Her dad has always had a special place in my heart. The day I texted all the girls I was currently texting and told them that my ex was seeing someone exclusive, and I was extremely hurt. I told them, I do not want to cause this pain on anyone and do not want it in return. I said I was talking to them for all the wrong reasons, and I do not want to be that person anymore. All but one were understanding, again we have only been texting for about a week, some less some more. I also called the girl from Belgium I was dating before moving to the states and apologized for any false hope I had given her. She knew from the beginning it was not leading to anything, but at the end of the day, I should just not have gotten involved. For that, I apologized. She was very understanding and accepted my apology. I then moved on to step number two – seek professional help. I went to my clinic and asked to see a therapist for behavioral health. The medical staff scheduled me an appointment for the very next day. Step number three – I needed to vent. I am still venting, that part will not go away. On Monday, I spoke to my sister who loves me dearly and I explained to her the situation. She will always love me and show me support. She did think that the breakup was for the better and that Jessica was a controlling person. She did make some great points and made me feel better. On Monday, I also spoke to myself plenty of times out loud. It sounds crazy, but I promise I am not. Is that not what every crazy person says? Anyways, I was just verbally telling myself all the pros and cons in our relationship and in our character. As many good and bad there are, I am still deeply in love with Jessica and want to be with her until the day I take my last breath in this world. The good thing about talking to yourself, you make up your own counter responses and think of the best or worse case scenarios. Lately, I was not happy seeing Jessica when I will go to Kentucky. I was not excited about making love to her anymore. Those are major reasons for accepting this breakup. I realized, it was not Jessica that I was unhappy, it was the fact I was so close to retirement without a legit plan. It was fear and panic and instead of relying on her and holding her, I separated myself from it and chose to breakup. Finally, I need to find hobbies, I need things to keep me occupied, and I need to just get out there and choose the right person to start a slow and progressive relationship. I do not need to just “swipe right,” because a woman looks good. Let me read her bio, find her attractive to me, and start off with not hunting her for sex, but hunting her for connection. I decided to get back into playing pick-up soccer and dedicating myself to write these blogs. I would say starting your own webpage is not easy! I do not understand computer lingo and trying to add a blog button takes me almost an hour. Not to mention my page still looks all jacked up, lol! To this day, I have not met anyone new. Today, was the first day I went on a date, but it was with someone I knew. Our date was me talking about Jessica and John being out on a date and holding hands! This friend of mine knows about my situation and she was very kind to just be there and listen. If you are thinking it, the answer is no! I did not attempt or think of anything sexual with this person. I was just thankful she was there, or else I would have been home talking to myself. That was my Monday, I was relatively proud of the progression I had made. It was literally just the start, but already I was feeling as I can be this person I desire to be. In the past, I would have never made an appointment, and I would just go back to swiping left and right. Change does not happen overnight, and I know I still have so much more in me. I do believe that confessing to those women took a big weight off my shoulders. Talking to my sister and writing a blog temporarily made me feel better. It is like feeling tired and taking an expresso shot. It immediately wakes you up, but after the expresso shot is finish, you eventually start feeling tired again. It is the same feeling when I vent or write blogs. I leave the conversation, feeling live and knowing I can make it through this, to 30 minutes or an hour later feeling sorry for myself again.
That is it for today. Tomorrow I would like to discuss my therapy session and the build up to now. Call me crazy, but I made a valentine package for Jessica and sent it to her!! I think it came out great, I hope she likes it!
These blogs are getting shorter and shorter, not sure if that is a good or bad thing?
What are your thoughts on the blog? What are ways to deal with pain? Do you think I am on the right track? Does time really heal pain or is it a myth? Is trying to meet people a good or bad idea? Does therapy work?