Acceptance to Reality
Good evening everyone. I left off on Friday writing about what a terrible week I had. I will say I kept up with some of my promises. I am not at all feeling much better, but there has been some slight improvement. When I say slight, I mean slight! I am still feeling the lows and the depression daily. I still feel the anxiety attacks from time to time. One of the worse moments is not being able to sleep proper. I am waking up around 4am with anxiety attacks. I then fall back to sleep to wake up two hours later. It is just not fun or easy. I would like to explain how my weekend went and how I believe I have made a slight improvement.
I woke up on Saturday morning and deleted the ring app. It was such a relief, but at the same time I was curious to download it again. I have not downloaded it yet. Believe me though, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and all I keep thinking about is where are they going? Obviously, Jessica and I spent every Valentine’s Day since 2020. We technically met on Valentine’s weekend in 2019, so it has always been our memorable moment, our unofficial anniversary day. I do not know how tomorrow is going to go for me. Back to waking up and deleting the ring app. Though my mind keeps racing over it, I have been able to remain disciplined. When I woke up that Saturday morning, I told myself accept the break-up and just try to move forward. I started with doing something I love, which is to referee two soccer games. I had gotten the call the night before to referee four games over the weekend, two on Saturday and two on Sunday. When I stepped to the pitch, I was just “not feeling it!” I blew the whistle and the whole time; I was just going through the motions. Nothing excited me, usually I love it when young kids make a nice play. In this case, the age group was 17 and under. At that age, those kids are making some good plays! I get the best view of the game being right smack in the middle of it. The whole time I was officiating, I was thinking when is this game going to be over! Ninety minutes later, I blew the whistle, moved on to the next game with the same mentality and then got in my car to drive home. Not sure if I mentioned it, but I had ordered flowers to be delivered with the Valentine’s care package I got Jessica. They were same day delivery, but did not arrive on Friday, so after my games I called to check on the status. The status was still undelivered! Since Jessica was not home, they told me they would deliver it to her job. Since I did not know her address at her job, they called her, but Jessica refused to get the flowers. Yes, I know that shit hurt!!! It cut deep. I ended up getting a full refund. So that Saturday, I kept telling myself accept the truth and treat our relationship as if someone I cared about died. No matter how much you want that loved one to come back, they just cannot. I told myself that all of Saturday, and my emotions were mixed again. On Sunday, yes Super Bowl Sunday, I woke up early as usual with anxiety and got ready to go officiate some games. On the way to my games, I talked to my sister and a friend, and they just made me feel better. I will say talking to friends or loved ones that have your back just works! It just does! So those two games on Sunday were great. I enjoyed every minute of the games, and I felt like my old me for that period of time. When the games were over, I went home, got dressed and drove two hours to support a very close friend cheer on the San Francisco 49ers. By this time, we all know the outcome of that game. It was sad, because my friend is a true 49ers fan, and that game had its ups and downs. I felt good at his place, but all I can think of is Jessica being at Johns house during the Super Bowl. She was there with her kids and his kids; I can only assume he invited friends over as well. That was racing through my head during half the game. Overall, it was a great night and after everyone left, my friend and his girlfriend spoke about my situation. His girlfriend barely knows me, so she was able to give me unbiased feedback. It did help out, because like all others kept telling me, Jessica must have known John for a longer period than she is telling me. I think I was blinded by my ego. They also kept telling me to focus on me and try and move forward. That is the common theme, and when everyone tells you the same thing, then that is what must happen. I drove back home Monday and during the car ride, I was catching up with some old friends and speaking to some more family members. Every single time I talk to someone over the phone, my spirit just gets lifted. I used to only talk to Jessica and barely talk to family members or any friends, so it is good to catch up, be honest and hear some words of encouragement. Monday, I got to go to the gym and buy some food. Lately, I have been cooking some chicken breast with rice and avocado. That has been my dinner for the last two days. I mention cooking, because in the past I never used to cook. I just started cooking recently, because Jessica would order some premade recipes and all I had to do was follow the steps on the card with the food they sent. It was fairly simple, so now I just watch YouTube and make some good food. Also, and I know it may not be the best idea, but I been chatting with some people on social dating sites. Funny thing, it is not as exciting anymore. Sounds strange, but it is so true! Before, when I thought Jessica would never leave me, getting on dating sites and fantasizing about being single was fun. Now that the “fantasy” has come “true,” it blows! For all single people out there, I would argue that being in a relationship outweighs the pros of being single any day!
Overall, my mentality has shifted from trying to get Jessica back to accepting the reality of a breakup. I am still sad and depressed. I would love for Jessica to just call or text and say, “hey let’s try it one last time.” As much as I would love that, it will never ever happen. Acceptance is hard, but it is a necessity to move forward. When I get down, I tell myself, “Jose, you can now just focus on you!” I remember when I would want to do something or go somewhere, and I would need “permission” from Jessica. Those days to me were not fun. When I had to officiate some soccer tournaments, Jessica would be upset because it was on a weekend, and I was not driving to Kentucky to be with her. Then when I did not have to officiate, she would be upset because I would drive on the weekend she had to work, so we could barely hang out. I remember, when we went on our cruise then I was going to visit family in Miami, and she was a little upset about it. Never said anything, but you can tell by her character and body language. When I went to officiate a tournament in Miami with my brother and niece, she would say “oh, you are not coming here then?” You know now that I think of it, maybe she was going to see John and just wanted to confirm? Let me get my mind out of the gutter. So now when I get depressed, I just have a discussion with myself and place myself in situations where I was not happy. At the end of the day, I chose the breakup, but it is hitting me like no other breakup I have ever had. Like I said, I would take Jessica back in the drop of a dime, but I must accept the reality and start to crawl forward, to eventually walk and then run.
That is all for today. I would like to discuss more personal things like property we own and how it is split. I would like opinions on this matter. Believe me, it is a huge mess, because we are not married!
Anyways, what are your thoughts on today’s blog and my weekend. How do people even move forward. I think keeping busy and venting to people helps. Have you ever thought you moved forward to just come right back to square one? I do not want a year to pass, somehow see Jessica and get emotional.